February 17th, 2007

SN - Dean

torments of the past

I'm going to go off and rant because this has really been killing me lately...

I've found that after a lot of years of tears and hell of a lot of rejection without justification, most people don't really give a shit. Those I feel closest to in life are sadly enough, the ones farthest away from me... and many being those I've never even met face to face. I have to say that I envy those people who are able to turn their back on someone they called a close friend and simply walk away. Unfortunately, I have always had love for every single person I ever called my friend... I would like to learn to let go so that I will stop being hurt by the past.

How is it that most of those I thought were my "best" friends in life have simply dropped off the face of the planet and never looked back to see if I was there? Why is it that some people just think this is a good idea?

"I'll just stop returning her phone calls, her letters, her emails, and ignore her feelings and she'll eventually get over it."

I mean, why? I guess the thing that gets to me most is that it's happened over and over again... obviously I'm doing something wrong. I don't have any friends left... people have just stopped bothering... I even have a few friends who I invite to every occassion or offer to have them come out with me, my treat... they say they will be there then they don't show... over & over again.... the worst is the time 4 of us took off of work to go to kings dominion together (I had free passes) and not one single person showed up... I sat in the coffee shop for an hour and a half holding a fucking beach towel. Thanks assholes... I still never held it against you, did I? Sorry, but enough is simply enough...

Do I have a sign that says that people should walk all over me? In high school I had an attitude that said things were my way or the highway and I didn't take shit from anyone... but the truth is, it was always a front... I guess once everyone figured that out I was done for.

Anyways, I guess I'm just hurt because it's times like these that I wish those people I always thought of as my friends were around... telling me everything is going to be alright and that they care about me and maybe even that they're sorry they've ignored me for so long... that they never meant to hurt me, and all that crap...

I don't think I am every going to really get over this without some help.. I mean, this has been only a growing problem for years...

any suggestions?
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