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SN - Dean

torments of the past

Posted on 2007.02.17 at 16:02
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
I'm going to go off and rant because this has really been killing me lately...

I've found that after a lot of years of tears and hell of a lot of rejection without justification, most people don't really give a shit. Those I feel closest to in life are sadly enough, the ones farthest away from me... and many being those I've never even met face to face. I have to say that I envy those people who are able to turn their back on someone they called a close friend and simply walk away. Unfortunately, I have always had love for every single person I ever called my friend... I would like to learn to let go so that I will stop being hurt by the past.

How is it that most of those I thought were my "best" friends in life have simply dropped off the face of the planet and never looked back to see if I was there? Why is it that some people just think this is a good idea?

"I'll just stop returning her phone calls, her letters, her emails, and ignore her feelings and she'll eventually get over it."

I mean, why? I guess the thing that gets to me most is that it's happened over and over again... obviously I'm doing something wrong. I don't have any friends left... people have just stopped bothering... I even have a few friends who I invite to every occassion or offer to have them come out with me, my treat... they say they will be there then they don't show... over & over again.... the worst is the time 4 of us took off of work to go to kings dominion together (I had free passes) and not one single person showed up... I sat in the coffee shop for an hour and a half holding a fucking beach towel. Thanks assholes... I still never held it against you, did I? Sorry, but enough is simply enough...

Do I have a sign that says that people should walk all over me? In high school I had an attitude that said things were my way or the highway and I didn't take shit from anyone... but the truth is, it was always a front... I guess once everyone figured that out I was done for.

Anyways, I guess I'm just hurt because it's times like these that I wish those people I always thought of as my friends were around... telling me everything is going to be alright and that they care about me and maybe even that they're sorry they've ignored me for so long... that they never meant to hurt me, and all that crap...

I don't think I am every going to really get over this without some help.. I mean, this has been only a growing problem for years...

any suggestions?


timberlandbill at 2007-02-26 23:41 (UTC) (Link)
A thing I have often wondered myself and after all my thoughts on the matter I can't really give suggestions as to how to prevent this, it just seems to happen. So maybe if I can explain it, from how I understand it, you might feel a little better about it...

So we will start with the facts:
People do change.
People grow apart.
People are inherently lazy.
People don't realize how important friends are until they need them.
People want instant gratification.

Given these things are wide generalizations and there are ALWAYS exceptions to these things but when compared to the population of our as a whole, these things are accurate. Next we will add somethings that I'm not sure are facts but are of my own beliefs:

People tend to look for things in others that they do not like more so then they look for things they do like.
People often have a hard time with certain "differences in opinions" enough so to make them not want to talk about anything.
People would rather risk their physical well being than risk their emotional well being.
People have different capacities for caring, some people can care about a large number of individuals while others can only handle a few that they keep close.
People like to be the victim and are always having a "harder time than you are."
People like others to fill a need, if someone else can do it better than the other person is cast along the way side.

Taking all of these things into account leads me to understand that people basically loose interest in the people that they don't see often because it's more 'convienent' for them to drop you than to bother keeping up with you, after all if you've known them for a long time you clearly know to much about them and are a potential hazard to them. I mean, what if you decide to "forget" them? Then they would be the one who suffers and feels bad that they've lost such an important person in there life so they have to cut the roots before you do... The people in the world who hear "You're too nice," will be the ones who get hurt the most. I have learned first hand that "You're too nice," is a warning and not a compliment and people are never satisfied with "nice." So in conclusion if you were more of a bitch, who slutted around and pretended to be someone you're not just to appease everyone, people might "stick" to you more.

Personally, I have found it's the few in life who are important it's not how many friends you have or even how long you've known somebody. I find it to be more how you know somebody and how they know you. I am sorry that there's not more comforting things in this whole thing but I can tell you this... I have never actually met you but I've always considered you a pretty awesome person and there is definately no one like you. Thanks for being you. :)
Celestial Heaven
purekitte at 2007-03-01 06:21 (UTC) (Link)

amazingly true!

Thank you for taking the time to lay out this well thought response... I couldn't have put it better myself!

(Interestingly enough it seems like this is stuff that is common knowledge to me that I just can't bring to the front mind in times when I need to hear it myself... I guess if I could then I wouldn't let it upset me so much)

I guess I am the sentimental type who always seems to think about those people I care about and always wants to be in touch... even if it is every now and again... sometimes some of my closest friends and I don't talk for months... in some cases a year or years! But they're still my friends and I would call them back if they called me... or respond to a letter or email... I would send them a card or a thank you to let them know I got thiers... it's all those little things that I guess I do that most other people take for granted nowadays.

I understand the "nice" thing... right now I'm in a situation where I feel like Ivey's own mother is taking advantage of his overly good nature... this may just be why his sister no longer talks to her... even after hearing her father died... (I don't think it's a good reason, but it's a reason none-the-less) P pretends she doesn't know why Kelly doesn't talk to her anymore... but she says things like "I guess I'm too depressing for her" and stuff like that... I have witnessed P turn her back against Ivey's aunt and uncle (father's side) because of something they did trying to be nice... and she says she feels terrible about what she said to them and crys on Ivey's shoulder... but she refuses to appologize. I just wrote a huge blog on tonight's events and other situations involving her (I'm realizing she's a huge manipulator... and that I'm basically stuck living with her now if I want to be with her son...) I mean, what do I do? Leave him because of her? Turn my back on her and tear them apart? No... basically she knows I'm stuck if I want to be with him... and that if we split up she'd have him to herself again. Probably fine with that either way on her end...

Anyways, the last part of what you said is SOOO true. It really is! It explains why all these people I know are so popular, though they're not good people. I have to admit, when I stopped going out so much... a lot of people I know seemed to drop off the face of the planet. (Not that I was whoring, but more or less going out drinking or on the scene with them) Also, people seem to want to be around you only when they think you can give them something they want or need. It's always for thier own purposes... and a lot of times they move on when someone else is providing something better.

thanks tb! and btw i really dig the new(er?) pic, the cut is actually a pretty good look for you. i dig it and i dig u! thanks for sticking around even with me being so nomadic... i appreciate that you haven't given up on me and know that usually when i do disappear... i eventually make my way back.
timberlandbill at 2007-03-03 01:57 (UTC) (Link)

Re: amazingly true!

It's always a pleasure to be an assistance my dear. And thanks, I love to hear that what I say makes sense. :)
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