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SN - Dean

His name was Robert Paulson

Posted on 2007.02.23 at 15:25
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: The Fray
I asked Ivey last night if we should go to the bereavement counceling meeting next Wednesday evening... He said he "didn't plan on it, do YOU feel like YOU need to go?"

I didn't really know how to respond... it kinda came out like "meh... ummm... no. I don't think so... I mean, YOU'RE o.k.?" I felt really dumbfounded for some reason and couldn't pull out a real answer. I followed it with, "well, I was only going to go if you wanted to go."

This is true. I don't want to go to one of these meetings alone. Especially since I've never been to one before. Whenever I think of these meetings I just think this is a place where people go to cry to each other and I don't think I need someone to help me cry... for one thing, I've never been able to cry freely in front of strangers, it's hard enough for me to let myself cry in front of my friends... I'm the kind of person who holds it in as hard as I possibly can until I explode rather than show others my weakness... it's just how I am. I barely cried at the hospital, because every time a nurse or doctor came in the room I held back from tears until she left...

So why would I really want to share my feelings with a stranger?

I've barely spoke about my "feelings" besides telling the story of what happened... the things that go through my mind the easier to put into writing... whenever someone asks me how I'm doing, like an idiot, I reply "I'm doing o.k." Then I get to hear that akward silence that happens when they don't know exactly where to go in the conversation from there and neither do I. And these are people I know or nurses who claim that I can talk to them about anything... The only things I find myself talking with them about are medical questions.... things like, what should I expect in the future? Will this happen again? Will I have to be on bedrest for my next pregnancy?

Yes, I feel hurt... it's the most traumatic thing I've ever had to deal with in my life! I don't think it's going to be easy, I just think it's going to take time for the pain to dissolve... it will never go away. This year is going to be the hardest for me. Right now I think of Conrad every day... I miss him all the time.

I'll think of Conrad most during times when I would have been closest to him...

Mother's Day
June 9th - his due date
Father's Day
Each time one of my friends babies is born... Meg in July, Renee in May, Amy's Twins...
Halloween... i would have dressed him up in something cute
Christmas... his first Christmas... I already had a stocking and red & white outfit..
February 2nd. Groundhog's day. The day we lost him... it'll probably be the hardest of all... I feel like everytime I think of groundhog's I'm going to think of Conrad...

I mostly think of what he would have been like...

What he would have looked like all grown up?
What would his favorite food be?
Would he have been a photographer like the man he was named after?
Would he have been tall and thin like his father?
What would be his favorite color?
Would he have blue eyes like him or brown eyes like me?

I think he and Ivey would have been best of friends...

I think of that one person who would have been perfect for him and that they won't ever even meet him...

I think I loved him and always will...

I think I just miss him and sometimes it's going to be hard...

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